Cheese in My Hair

You know, when I read stuff like this it makes me think this guy watched one too many cartoon’s starring Wile E. Coyote….do they even show that cartoon in Germany?  I will have to go with Lee Jay’s statement from last week, This guy may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he is the shiniest!  (No offense Lee Jay, but he be shiny from lack of use….)  I bet this guy was so mad when they cut his power off he got plastered.  That is the only reasonable explanation, ideas and the opposite sex always look better when your plastered.

While going through my backlog of local papers stacked up beside my desk, I found a few tidbits on the police blotter that I must share:

Douglas County Sentinel, March 5, 2010

“Javonte Jones and Patience Weaver were each charged with battery and disruption of a public school.  Their bonds were $2,500 each.   The 17-year-old females allegedly fought March 3 in the cafeteria of Chapel Hill High School.  They were ordered to complete the Youth Against Violence program.”

It appears that Patience, well, lost her patience.  (Sorry, I couldn’t pass that one up)  The paper doesn’t say who pulled the first lock of hair but according to a separate report of a similar incident, if they had just waited until they were off school property it seems that they could have smacked each other around for $500 less each and would have just been told to keep their hands to themselves……..“Tavaries Keyes was charged with battery.  His bond was $2,000.  Keyes was accused of punching a woman in the face Feb. 26.  Caldwell ordered him to not physically harm or threaten to harm the woman.” Apparently there is indeed a $500 savings to be realized if you do not disrupt a public school.  Would someone please explain the method to the madness?????

“Valrey Fails was charged with forgery, first degree.  Her bond was $3000.  Fails, 17, was accused of trying to pass a counterfeit $20 bill March 3 in the cafeteria of Lithia Springs High School.  She allegedly put a real $20 on a scanner at home, printed it out, took it to school and tried to get $18 change from the $2 lunch she attempted to purchase according to Howell.”

Valrey Fails Counterfeiting 101 for sure!!!  What was she thinking?  Did she at least attempt to make the $20 look used like they do on the movies and run it through the dryer with a batch of poker chips?  Probably not.   Did she print it on plain white or green paper?  I’m guessing green, cause lawd knows that don’t look suspicious.   Wonder if she Failed to print the back side the $20?  I have decided the only reasonable explanation is this young lady was a highly functioning special ed student.  If not, then she’s a moron.

Do you ever feel like it is your job to point out the obvious?  How about when it seems like your the only one that is seeing something that should be as plain as the nose on your face.  What I am alluding to is in this weeks Douglas  County Sentinel,  on Tuesday, March 9, 2010 the front page boasted these two stories, side by side:

Mail Carrier Charged With Identity Fraud/(Alongside a picture of a sign that said) Welcome to Douglasville Who was in charge of the layout of this edition?

In other news, namely the police blotter this was reported:

Xavier Ennis’ bond was $20,000 for a charge of aggravated assault.  He allegedly struck another inmate at the Douglas  county Jail on the head with a mop bucket over an unpaid debt, according to Sgt. John Mauney, of the Douglas county Sheriff’s Office.

I have to believe that Xavier has learned absolutely nothing from the current economic crisis!  Did he not realize that the chances of any loan made to a fellow inmate would undoubtedly go unpaid?  If ever a high risk loan was to be made this one was it!  I’m curious as to what exactly Mr. Ennis lent  to this ol’ boy anyway, perhaps toothpaste or cigarettes?  My recommendation would be next time, don’t loan a consumable product give em something you can repossess.  Better yet, neither a borrower nor lender be would be the best rule of thumb especially while incarcerated.

Another item of interest:

Corey Jackson’s bond was $3,000 for a charge of unlawful handling of solid waste for allegedly storing rubber tires in a storage unit for where he got behind on the payments.

Give me a break!  Tires?  No dead bodies, meth lab or chop shop going on here, just the storing of rubber tires.  Perhaps Mr. Jackson was planning to start a Tire Swing business to help supplement his income.  Maybe, he was saving  the tires for Christmas gifts and planned to present family and friends with planters that could be strategically placed to enhance the landscape around their homes?   I think we need to hear Corey’s side of the story on this one, don’t you?  Mr. Jackson would have had a lesser bond if he had in my opinion been committing a more serious offense:

Marvin Ambeau’s bond was $1,500 for a charge of carrying a concealed weapon and loitering/prowling.

So which do you think is the worse offense, stockpiling  tires in a storage unit or hangin’ round the street corner with a concealed weapon?

Folks, “Welcome to Douglasville”

As per the Douglas County Sentinal, Tuesday, February 9, “2020″:
Roman Jones was charged Feb. 1 with 46 counts of financial identify fraud.  Jones, an inmate at the jail, allegedly stole other inmates’ names, dates of birth and Social Security Numbers in his role as “house man” in an attempt to file fraudulent tax returns, according to the Sheriff’s Office investigation.  He allegedly retrieved the inmates’ identifying information from money receipts tossed in the trash and tucked them in his Bible.
A visitation video allegedly shows Jones telling his girlfriend what to do and how they were going to become rich, the investigator said.

Good grief, where do I begin?  Let’s start with this “house man” bidness.  According to Websters online dictionary a houseman is defined as:

Ok, you can’t make this stuff up, here’s another from the police blotter on February 3, 2010:

Kingsport, Tenn.—-  It was a Zinger of a theft in Tennessee.  It also included cupcakes, Twinkies and other snack cakes from the  Merita Bread Company.

The Kingsport Times-News cites a report from the Sullivan County Sheriff’s Office in reporting 34-year-old James M Denoon (which rhymes with Macroon) and 18-year-old Anthony Stout were found hiding under a truck at the bakery late Friday night.

The deputies found about $300 worth of stolen snack cakes stacked on the ground nearby.  Finding the accused thieves was easy.  The deputies only had to follow their footprints.  There was more than an inch of snow on the ground by Friday night.

Denoon and Stout were charged with theft under $500 and two counts of auto burglary.  It was not immediately clear if they had attorneys.

Where to begin…..how funny is it that a guy named Stout was caught stealing snack cakes!  What were they thinking?  I have to believe they musta been  smoking weed and all of a sudden got the munchies.  There is really no other explanation.  I can see them now, sitting in bean bag chairs over at Denoon’s house getting high (what a bafoon).  Why Denoon?  He was the older one, stands to reason it would be his house.   Stout says, “Man I could sure eat a boat load of twinkies right about now.  That is when they determine it’s best to rob wholesale and skip retail shoplifting all together.

At the bakery they must have set of an alarm of some sort for deputies–plural to have found them. (Otherwise, it would have probably been a night watchman situation and these two goons are just dumb enough to tie him up and take him with them.)  Here again is where I am certain they must have been high on something, for them to believe that they were completely concealed underneath the truck they chose to scooch under.  Their legs were probably sticking out.  Can’t you just see them under there, giggling and shushing each other?

What I don’t understand is the two counts of auto burglary.  Were they not found underneath the vehicle?  The snack cakes were found on the ground nearby, not inside.  I am certain their intent was to take the vehicle as schlepping $300 worth of twinkies home in the snow is gonna look a little suspicious not to mention also be inconvenient.

While it is not immediately clear if they had attorneys, it is apparent they possess no brains!

Lesson Learned:

#1 DON’T DO DRUGS! OR ALLEGEDLY BREAK INTO A BAKERY OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER…..

#2 If you have the time to walk up the road, in the snow, break into a twinkie factory and then stack a boatload of snack cakes in a parking lot while you decide which vehicle you are going to commandeer, well my friend you gots time to make a nanner samich back at the house!

Over and out!

The best piece of advice I ever received was this; “If you have to ask yourself, should I do this? then you probably shouldn’t. ”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of bonehead decisions in my short time on this earth and will probably make a few more in my lifetime. I’m sure the rest of you out there have made a few as well. The trick is for us all to keep our wits about us and when we do mess up, well, let’s just try to stop ourselves before it gets out of hand.

For those of you that mess up really bad, you’re probably going to end up with your name in print and at a photo shoot where your picture will be taken in less than ideal circumstances. Chances are, the photographer  won’t care which is your best side either.  Here are two examples of just how out of hand things can get if you don’t use the ol’ noodle:

Example #1

(Douglas County, Sentinel – Friday, January 15, 2010)

A certain Ms. Daniel’s bond was $8000 for charges of possession of methamphetamine, DUI, drugs and open container. Douglasville police were called to Arby’s, 2755 Chapel Hill Road, because Daniel was allegedly asleep or passed out at the wheel of her running vehicle in the drive thru line. According to Police Sgt. Leland Hester, officers found oxycodone and other pills, an open bottle of vodka and a white powder in Daniel’s purse, of which she said she had no knowledge.

 The judge ordered her to enter into and successfully complete a substance abuse therapy program.

I wonder what the poor guy behind her was thinkin’? He’s back there, patiently waiting his turn. Just trying to get his Beef n Cheddar on then make it back to work before his lunch hours up. Daniel, she wasn’t just a little tipsy, she was passed out! Reckon how she even made it to the Arby’s in the first place?!

Once it was discovered that the person holding up the line was taking a little catnap, did they just put her car in neutral and push it outta the way or did they halt production and wait on the police? As far as the white powder she had no knowledge of, I’m betting if they had asked her how she arrived at the Arby’s, she wouldn’t have had any knowledge of that either.

Lesson Learned: If your drinking directly from the vodka bottle and taking a combination of prescription and street drugs, just stay home.

Better yet:  JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

Example #2

(Douglas County, Sentinel – Friday, January 15, 2010)

Mr. N. Johnson was charged with battery, obstructing a 911 call and criminal trespass (damage). His bond was $4000. Johnson allegedly grabbed his girlfriend around the neck Jan. 6, causing visible red marks. He also was accused of taking the phone from her as she tried to make an emergency phone call, and Sgt. Adams said he damaged several pairs of underwear by cutting holes in them with his pocket knife.

The judge ordered Johnson to enroll in and complete anger management counseling and to not physically harm or threaten the female.

Ok, so hot-head here was smacking his girlfriend around. She manages to get away and tries to call 911 but he’s having none of that. Thankfully the police do arrive in time to prevent further threat to this poor young lady. I wish the judge had ordered the girlfriend to enroll in a self defense class as well. Statistically speaking she might just continue to have a relationship with this Out-of-Control Romeo.  She should just take a class anyway. Next time lover boy decides he needs to vent his frustration on her physically, she could drop kick him.

Then there’s the question of the panties, well I assume they were panties. Who knows, they might have been his own drawers he was hacking up. No, I’m going with panties, he was mad at her. It stands to reason he was taking his frustration out on her property. Kinda like how a dog will chew up your favorite shoe.

Either way, why didn’t the judge say something about that? Where’s the restitution for her unmentionables from Vicky Secret? Drawers are expensive and he “damaged several pairs”. Yep, this girl definitely drew the short straw on this deal.

Lesson Learned: If your boyfriend/girlfriend takes their frustrations out on you physically or verbally, don’t walk away——runnnnnn and don’t look back! There is someone for everyone and this one ain’t it!

Until next time, keep your wits about you, be safe and let’s all do our level best to stay off of the police blotter.