Cheese in My Hair

I have spent this entire weekend with one of the worst weather related headaches/migraines I have had in awhile.

The temperature has hovered around the high twenties and the wind has been really whipping around. Even though my house has been a toasty 70 – 72 degrees it feels as if there is a block of ice sitting on the right side of my head. I finally resorted to pulling on my black toboggan and was relieved when my head finally felt warm. Blessed relief at last! I get tired of taking meds for these headaches so anything that I can do to feel better and not be all doped up is a nice change!

The funny thing is, Abby never thought twice about me wearing my “beanie”, as they call it, inside. Alex on the other hand felt the need to point out the fact that I was indoors and had it on. As if I had transitioned from outside and just plain forgot to take it off. OKkkkkkkkk. I told her it was the only thing that was helping to relieve the icy cold sensation that was making my head hurt. She just blinked at me and moved on.

Ray was gone to a Men’s Conference most of the day and came rolling in around 3:30. He took one look at me and asked; “What’s up Mushmouth?” I had to admit that was pretty funny and we then had to explain to the kids who Mushmouth was. That’s kinda sad dontcha think? I really enjoyed Fat Albert when I was a kid, I wonder why its not on anymore? Is it politically incorrect? I’m not sure.

I have never really understood the whole politically correct thing to begin with. That became apparent the year Alex was 4 (she is 18 now mind you) and I dressed her as a bag lady for Halloween. I was approached by another parent that said my daughter was politically incorrect for wearing that particular costume. I said, “No, she is not politically incorrect, she is a bag lady.” I then turned to my friends and whispered; “What does politically incorrect mean?” They just laughed and said that my picture was next to the definition in the dictionary and not to worry about it. I later found out that one definition is this: “a term denoting language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social offense in gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, handicap, and age-related contexts.”

Ok, whatever. I decided that I would continue to treat others as I would like to be treated and if that meant someone was gonna dress up like me for Halloween, well then, more power to them.

I will admit, I have a totally inappropriate sense of humor and find that it is best if you are thin skinned, all into what is political, correct or incorrect, public school vs private school, paper or plastic, chunky peanut butter or creamy, well, just about anything the least bit controversial for that matter, you might want to steer clear of me. Cause’ I’m gonna make you nuts.

It’s my job. Ask anybody that knows me, they will tell you.

Isn’t it funny how a scent or a song can bring back memories of things you haven’t thought of in a very long time.

Do you remember…

How much better homemade ice cream tastes because you helped crank it?

The satisfaction of opening a brand new box of crayons to draw with. All those colors to choose from with nothing but your imagination to limit you?

Wax Lips that you could chew like chewing gum?

The thrill of hearing the ice cream truck?

Catching fireflies so you could let them loose in your room later that night and falling asleep to the hypnotic winking of their lights going off and on?

Making a wish over dandelion fluff and blowing as hard as you can so all the seeds would blow away to make your wish come true?

How getting picked last for anything stinks?

The sound of your grandparents voices?

Watching the Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights?

What Flubber is?

Rolling change for gas money?

How you wished Flubber was real when you banged up your car?

The name of the first person you ever fell in love with?

The name of the person sitting next to you at your high school graduation?

What do you remember?

Have you ever seen the movie The Santa Claus? (Ya’ll must think all I do is watch movies) In this movie Santa falls off of the roof of a house and is killed after the homeowner, Scott Calvin, who is awakened by the “clatter” runs outside and shouts at him thus startling him and causing him to plunge to his death on the front lawn. Santa immediately dissappears and all that is left is his suit with a letter in the pocket. The letter states; if something should happen to Santa, the reader should put on the suit and the reindeer would know what to do.

After Scott delivers the toys and ends up back at the North Pole he then finds out that he is to be the new Santa Claus from now on. It appears that there is a card that is decorated with a lovely holly border that when viewed under a magnifying glass is actually the Santa Clause which says that, “upon the death of the previous occupant, whoever wears the suit assumes the identity of Santa Claus and all the responsibilities that go with it.”

Have you ever felt that you have been tricked with the Santa Clause at one time or another? I sure have! I can tell you right now it will make you a reader of the fine print!!! How many times have you ever received a call from your bank or credit card company and they want you to try out their latest and greatest service, free of course, for the first 90 days. What they don’t tell you is that at the very stroke of midnight that rings in the 91st day you will begin to be charged 19.99 per month automatically drafted from you banking account or charged to your credit card.

Now finding where you wrote down their toll free number, if you ever actually wrote it down, is akin to locating a deadbeat dad. Good luck with that! Where is that information they swore was going in the mail to you that very day that would contain this most critical cancellation information?  Yep, that happened to me years ago.

Now, the latest and greatest scheme to charge us unwittingly is online. I was looking up famous quotes and got to a sight that wanted my cell phone number before it would let me view the content. They wanted to text me my 4 digit code for “free registration”. What they don’t tell you is that at the low, low price of $9.99 per month you will begin to receive the quote of the day and this will be conveniently billed to your cellphone bill. What the heck?!

Stuff like this makes makes me crazy. I have now come up with my own little ways of deciphering the trustworthiness of people and situations and do my best not to deviate from them. I will share them with you here:

1. If it sounds to good to be true, it is, so walk away and don’t look back.

2. If whatever they are trying to give away is so great, why are they trying to get rid of it? This is in regards to pets, or other personal items.

3. Never trust a man with a pinkie ring.

Not a very long list and it hasn’t failed me yet. Make sure to take the time to find the Santa Clause a/k/a “The Fine Print” and read it in all situations. If you don’t understand it, ask questions, if you can’t get a satisfactory answer, then say; thank you, no thank you!

The world would be a better place if we could spot a trap when we came upon it don’tcha think?

I have to believe that this bed belongs in the apartment of some smooth talking womanizer, don’t you?

After this seemingly endless winter, I am looking forward to summertime. I enjoy summertime for all the traditional reasons but especially because it means the kudzu will soon be in bloom.

Kudzu starts to bloom in the late summer, around the end of August where I live. My kids start to give me a really hard time when I see the first blooms starting to arrive because I slow down as I drive by and they know what that means; sometime in the near future they will be forced to trudge beside me and snip off the blossoms with a pair of scissors so that we can make jelly.

Alex helped me the first year. We were a site! It was hot and muggy and all sorts of critters lived in the vines and things too small to see always seemed to be creeping up the back of your neck. I found it to be thrilling and creepy all at the same time. Alex did not share my excitement.

I like to believe that even though she half heartedly complained as we snipped and pulled and snipped some more we did actually have a good time just being in each others company. She will never admit it but she smiled most of the time and she really worked hard at getting the best blossoms she could. I was very proud of her.

My good friend Trina helped me the same year as Alex; she unwittingly got into my not realizing that I was on red alert for the sign of blossoming kudzu. She was a trooper as well and I did my best to be kind and backed the bed of the truck up underneath the canopy of a bunch of trees that lined a little side street.

The trees themselves where nothing more than a suggestion of what lied beneath the wall of kudzu that disguised them. We cut and pulled and cut some more. Trina is now very careful to examine my vehicle before climbing in during the latter days of summer and if she spots a bucket or any other sort of container that I might be able to use for my annual blossom harvest she quickly exits and says she will just follow me in her own car. Whatever….

The next year I called my mother-in-law and horns waggled her into going with me. We snipped and chatted and sweated and climbed and laughed quite a bit.

A friend of mine called and a message on my phone that we were giving everyone a great show on the side of the road. My mother-in-law laughed. Said she wouldn’t be surprised if someone reported an old lady floundering around in the kudzu and that it needed to be checked out immediately. It is apparent she must suffer from Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia to be out there crawling around in it like that.

Last summer my sister accompanied me on my quest for the best blossoms for jelly making. We found a perfect patch not far from her house. She was a trooper and made the harvesting fun. Will she go again this coming summer? Not too sure, I will have to wait and see I guess.

I have come to the conclusion that most of my family and friends are sharp enough to think twice when I suggest we go for a ride and “see what we can see”. Either that or the fact that I show up for this ride in the dead heat of summer wearing long sleeves and pants with a ball cap on to make sure the ticks, chiggers and other critters will have to put up as big a battle as I do if they want to take a bite out of me is a dead giveaway.

I guess I have to face the fact they have figured me out and know that this ride will take them off of the beaten path or perhaps even just on the side of the road, collecting blossoms under duress much like the trustees of the local prison collecting trash……that is if you listen to Alex tell the tale. I say it is not that bad!

But they do usually only help me once, wonder what’s up with that………..

Have you seen the Adam Sandler film; The Waterboy? In this movie a young cajun man by the name of Bobby Boucher lived with his mother in the swamp lands of Louisiana. His mother was afraid of being abandoned in her old age and spent her days sheltering Bobby and making it so that he was totally depended on her. She became his moral compass and would tell him that different things in the world that you and I would do for simple enjoyment like say perhaps attend a football game, was “of the devil!”

Whatever caught his interest and took the focus off of his momma, that instantly became “of the devil!” Poor Bobby. His mother went to extremes to keep his attention focused on her. I sometimes wonder if God would like to say that to me? Annette, facebook, CSI, Poker Palace (who misses me by the way) or whatever things that can take up hours of time before I realize it, “is of the devil!” I’m sure He would say it in Bobby’s mommas voice for effect.

As a christian, one of the things I can certainly testify to about my life is the minute I choose to get involved in something that involves church or study the bible or even a simple devotion, Satan likes to try and distract me. One time a girlfriend of mine and I decided we would do a devotional study together on the Proverbs 31 woman. We swore would hold each other accountable to this commitment. HA! We were about two weeks into it and I sent her this email:

Debbie,

de·vo·tion    noun.

Ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle. See Synonyms at love.

Religious ardor or zeal; piety.

An act of religious observance or prayer, especially when private. Often used in the plural.

devotions Prayers or religious texts: a book of devotions.

The act of devoting or the state of being devoted.

Now that we can see what devotion means it is quite apparent that I am not devoted to anything! Ardent, selfless, dedicated???!!!!!!  Nooooooo! The things I find my self committed, horns waggled, roped into, coerced or asked to do; i.e. the things that truly take up all of my time, most definitely do not come close to the definition of devotion.

Do I have that selfless affection toward my family? Let’s narrow it down, my immediate family? Perhaps…..when they are not making me crazy. Now I admit they do not all make me crazy at the same time, but I would swear they all draw straws every morning when I am not watching just to see whose turn it is. Who knows, perhaps this is their little way of keeping me on my toes.

I do love my family, that is why I want to study the Proverbs 31 woman, understand her a little more, and find the P-31 in me. Me thinks I have set the bar too high! I have fast forwarded too far into the book….or shall I say the Book since it is really the Holy Bible I speak of. Perhaps I should flip back a few pages and really discover why I am more the Genesis 3:1 woman!

Eve, so easily distracted. All it took was the serpent and his talk of things that would make her life, bigger, better, perhaps easier. All she had to do was pursue something other than the will of God for her life. Only one little rule to follow and only one little rule did she break! Well, at least my children come by it honest!

We all have those serpent’s running around in our lives today as well. Look better, live longer, have more, the list goes on. The modern conveniences that are supposed to afford us more time actually eat our time up because we find so many more things to fill that time with. We cannot schedule our time to include the basics because the extracurricular is out there just screaming for our attention!

Can you imagine the Proverbs 31 woman running to and fro so she can get her children to band or sports or tap and ballet and all at the expense of home cooked meals. Not to mention the beds to be made the floors to be mopped, bathrooms to be cleaned and junk to be dusted.

What about the kids to be hugged and booboo’s to be kissed? Homework to go over? Husband’s to spend time with and help relax after a long day out trying to provide for us. Do they have the opportunity to have a good cry in the car on the way home after a bad day like we do????!!!!! Does that even occur to them?

There will always be appointments to attend, oil to be changed, yards to be mowed, seeds planted, weeds pulled. For those of us that help care for aging parents; there are Medicare papers to review and choices to be made. Knees to be replaced, blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol to lower, Co-pays to pay, deductibles to meet, appointments to schedule. The list goes on and on.

Your frustrated friend, Annette

I have learned a lot since this email was sent to Debbie. The biggest thing being, how to say no. Not to everything, just to the stuff that really isn’t necessary. I have to say I haven’t missed out on anything. Am I closer to being a P31? Do my children rise up and call me blessed? I don’t think so! But I do take more time to focus on God, my family and less on what the world suggests that I should be doing. Each day has it’s own challenges, but I think I am up for it.

Do me a favor though and pray for me!

Here it is January 26th and I don’t know where the time has gone! We’ve just gotten over the Christmas holiday’s and now the Valentine’s stuff is starting to show up in the stores. Where does it end? Maybe I feel like this because I’m broker than a haint and can’t wrap my brain around the idea of one more thing to purchase? I do know this, my honey is gonna get a homemade valentine this year!

Either way, you would think what with the minutes, hours and days shooting by at lightening speed that it would be practically summer. Not so, in fact the weatherman has been saying that we might see some snow come Friday night and into Saturday. I hope not, already had snow once this year, that was good enough for me. I’m not a big fan of the cold, it makes me feel…..well, cold.

I should be living somewhere tropical. My goal is to one day live on a tropical island with a home built up in the trees like the Swiss Family Robinson. Well, as long as I can get internet, I would do it. Even though I am a hermit, I like being in touch. The internet is perfect, it allows me to be in touch on my own terms. You gotta love that!

Tropics would mean warm weather most all the time. Yep, I’m ready for spring . Come spring the vine on my front porch will be blooming and “Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster” will be back around eating from the flowers on the front porch. (Big Foot and Loch Ness are what I named the two hummingbirds that dodge my camera every time I try to take their picture).

Perhaps the weatherman is wrong, I can always hope. Come on spring,  I can hardly wait!

Points To Ponder

“See, the human mind is kind of like… a piñata. When it breaks open, there’s a lot of surprises inside. Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.”

~Jane Wagner

According to epilepsy.com; “Seizure-alert dogs, as implied by their name, are dogs that can sense and notify their human companions of an oncoming seizure. This alerting behavior has been reported to occur several seconds to 45 minutes or more before the onset of the seizure. The dog does this by exhibiting marked changes in behavior, including close eye contact, circling, pawing, barking etc.”

We once had a chihuahua that could tell if you were getting sick. Anytime one of us started coming down with something, even if it was just a headache, she was right there plastered to your side. I find that amazing.

What made me decide to chase this rabbit today? Well my sister forwarded an email today from the People of Walmartsite and lo and behold what did I see? 

Yep folks, a goat. It appears that the critter is wearing a harnes and is on a leash of some sort so it can’t be a seeing eye goat or it would be leading the person and not the other way around. So, I have decided this is one of those seizure alert animals. This is a seizure goat! I don’t know how else they could explain the reason why ol’ Billy came along on the shopping trip.

Whadda ya think?

I figured out why grownups ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up; they’re looking for ideas!   I have actually always had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to be, it has just taken me to this point to actually believe in myself enough to do it.  What about those out there that haven’t figured it out yet?  What will they do?

I suggest if you are afflicted with IHAVENTGOTTACLUEIAMJUSTGETTINGBY  then start with whatever you most wanted to be as a child.  Those of you out there that are middle age and wanted to be ballerina’s and astronauts, well, I’m not so sure you will be able to achieve that dream but perhaps you could be involved in your desired profession in some other way.   The middle aged ballerina wanna be could perhaps work for a company that teaches ballet or someother area of the industry.  You get my drift.  Don’t let the dream die even if actively participating in the main event is out of your grasp.

If you are able to go for what you considered your dream job as a child, all the better!  Start out by envisioning yourself at your most successful point in this position.  What is your life like?  How is your family life?  What about your spiritual life?  How is your financial position?  What are the Pro’s and the Cons?  If your desire is to own a business, how many employees do you have?  etc and so forth.

You must then work backwards and mark each step that brought you to the successful achievement of your desired profession!  All they way back to your jumping off place.  If you will do this, you will find yourself with a basic outline of the steps you could take to achieve your dream.

You want to be a teacher?  Then you will need a teaching position with a school.   For that, you will need a degree.  You will have to go to college for a degree.  Student loans or grants are necessary if you do not have the available funds to pay for schooling outright.  Applications will have to be made to obtain student loans and grants.   When will you find the time for school?  Do you currently work and will need to go to school at night?  How will you fit going to school in with your current family life?  See?  Work out your plan to achieve your goal!  Try to envision what obtacles you might come up against and your plan for overcoming them.

Something important to keep in mind as you work out your success journey in your mind; don’t be so wrapped up in your vision that you sacrifice what can never be replaced.  If you have a family keep in mind that your goal of success is not worth it if you will not be able to enjoy all the benefits together.  Never sacrifice your loved ones for the big bucks.  The things in life worth having cannot be purchased.

My definitions of  rich and wealthy are this; wealthy people have the money to do or buy whatever they want, rich people have all the things that money can’t buy.  Do you want to be rich or wealthy?  There is nothing wrong with wealth, just don’t become poor trying to achieve it.

What do I want to be when I grow up?  A writer…..what do you want to be?

This week on facebook we posted profile pictures of a fictional character that best represented our personalities.  I knew immediately who my alter ego would be;  Daisy Mae Moses, better known as Granny Clampett!   This wiry, shrewd, self-sufficient, self taught woman of medicine is exactly everything I ever want to be. 

Granny lived a simple life before being uprooted from the Ozark Mountains to Beverly Hills California.  She had no use for city slickers or revenuers.   Though she lived a simple life she was by no means simple minded and understood that the best in life cannot be bought but is rather earned. 

Although I don’t have a medical bag like granny, my friends and family know that in the event, I am quite handy with peroxide, betadine and duct tape.  Actually, after one incident where I duct taped my fingertip back on, when I nearly sliced it completely off before a dinner party,  I was told by one friend to stay away from her if she ever became injured. 

I don’t know what the fuss is all about, it’s not like when we were kids being chased by a parent with a bottle of  mercurochrome!  They all know that I would be the first one to call 911….. if it was absolutely necessary.  I have never told my child; “Baby, get up and shake it off, your fiiiiinne.  Now gimme that ear so I can tape it back on……”