Ahem, Gourmet?

2010
09.03

I was shopping in the local Sam’s Club this week and came across a pallet of Ricos Nacho Cheddar Cheese Sauce. While that in and of itself is really nothing to go on about the description on the label made me do a double-take.

The product claims that this is Nacho ordinary cheddar cheese sauce, but in fact Gourmet!   Really, Gourmet?  Is that Spanish for something?

According to Webster, Gourmet is an adjective used to describe “high-quality or exotic ingredients and skilled preparation”.  I have to believe that if this was truly the case, wouldn’t the packaging be much nicer than it’s current cardboard container that is very similar to a Crisco can?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like nacho’s as well as the next fellow, but I find it a stretch to describe this sauce as gastronomo as our Spanish speaking friends would  put it.  Perhaps it’s the added topping of sliced jalapenos that brings the dish to a higher level?  Not too sure……….

Seeing Red

2010
08.12

This morning I read where Zachary Goelman wrote an article that was published in New York (Reuters) this week.  It seems that “Women in the United States, England, Germany and China found men pictured wearing red, or framed in red, more sexually attractive than in other colors.”

Realllllllly.  It went on to say that the author of the experiment, Andrew Elliot,  said “red was thought to be a sexy color for women only”.   In talking with my girl friends they say that their husbands prefer it when they wear red nail polish and lipstick but that’s about as far as it went.  In fact they said that the only time their husbands took note of what they were wearing was when they were wearing nothing at all.

Now I must admit, while Mr. Elliot’s research consisted of seven experiments that were divided into two parts with between 20 and 57 people, I only asked two different friends.  Perhaps I should have asked three more just to eliminate any doubt.  Somehow I feel that nudity over the color red will win popularity contests with men every time.  Then again, it would make sense for the color red to be “a sexy color for women only” because if a woman is nekkid, lipstick and nail polish would still remain!

Personally, I think the results  in Mr. Elliot’s study were flawed, you wanna know why?  But of course you do!  It turns out that the women that participated in the experiment were shown pictures of men aged 19 to 22 either wearing red or were framed in red.  19 to 22!  What were the age of the women giving the opinions? Where they peri, post or currently menopausal?  What exactly were they wearing that was red? Boxers or Briefs?

I say we get some middle aged men out there and dress them in red.  Keep it consistent, put em all in Santa Suits.  Who doesn’t like Santa?  (Well, Jimmy H. doesn’t but that has no bearing on this study.)  We can use color blind women as a control group, reckon it will work?

The biggest question of all is this; Who funded this research?  I need their number!  Perhaps I could finally get some answers about Spam and who out there is purchasing it to the point that they now have 10 varieties? (only 7 are carried in my local Walmart, but my research has shown 10 actually exist)  I  love Spam, so it would be a labor of love to do the research and get that report out to the public.

Another thing that just came to mind; The color red is also associated with the “red light district” or “Ho’s” and Santa says Ho,Ho, Ho.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so…….

A Woman Like Me

2010
08.05

The following was posted on the side of my facebook page the other day:

Annette,
more than 838 men near Douglasville want to meet a woman like you.

My first thought when seeing this was “What exactly is a woman like me?”  You mean to tell me that more than 838 men (near Douglasville) want to meet a married, middle aged, mother of two?  They’re not setting the bar very high now are they?
I also noticed, the 3 lucky guys selected to have their pictures posted alongside this supposedly titillating ad looked like a bunch of serial killers.   In my opinion, it would do the online dating sites good to take a lesson from the auto trader and send out a photographer to snap a picture of you to post, otherwise, look what you end up with.  It’s no wonder they are marketing their wares to the married gals.  Maybe they assume we are in a rut and are desperately looking for a good time.
A woman like me huh,  that would lead me to believe they are looking for someone that can cook, clean, do their wash, raise their unruly youngins and balance a budget!  That must be it, there’s no other explanation………

Hand Stamps And Fake Tattoos

2010
07.19

Every day that passes confirms the fact that my children are as beautiful and as different as two snowflakes.

Alex,  is always reaching for that one thing that is just out of her grasp, and not giving anyone peace until she obtains it.  She exhausts herself many times chasing things only to find they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.  I am proud of  how she is learning from these experiences and starting to make wiser choices in her life.

Abby, well, she’s perched on the top of a flag pole and watches as the world parades past her.  She reaches out and plucks up the interesting, funny or weird things to examine a little more closely.  I get aggravated sometimes as she can be immature and silly and then I realize, no she’s not!  She is acting like an old fashioned twelve year old.

You know, the kind that grew up in the seventies. Now don’t get me wrong, she shaves her legs and likes the cell phone she bought with her birthday money (especially since our family plan has unlimited texting) but she still thinks that running around in the yard at dusk to gather up a jar full of lightening bugs to let loose in her room when she goes to bed is time well spent.  I am glad she is still satisfied with being a kid and not rushing to grow up.

When it comes to fashion, Alex always knew exactly what she liked and didn’t like.  I can remember taking her shopping and at three years old she would “test” the skirts by pulling them out to see how far they stretched.  The best ones stretched way out and were good for twirling.  If it didn’t twirl, it wasn’t for my girl!  To this day Alex still knows exactly what she likes and cannot be talked into or out of anything.

On the other hand, we have Abby.   Who, when she was younger, seemed to get most of her fashion tips from Punky Brewster, who apparently was dressing a lot like many gang members of today.   After awhile she then leaned more toward a Pippi Longstocking style of dress and has slowly but surely morphed into her own Abby Style.

Abby style would mean you will have on comfortable clothing, that matches mind you, and your hair in some sort of an “up do”.  When she was in the 3rd grade, I thought her penchant for this particular hair style was because she didn’t like having her hair fall into her face all the time.   I soon realized it was because she couldn’t get the rats nest of tangles brushed out of her hair and she would just twist it up and secure it with a rubber band to hide the mess.

By the time 5th grade rolled around she decided it was better to learn to get the tangles out because sooner or later I was gonna get ahold of it and nobody is happy when mom has to brush a weeks worth of tangles out of  your hair.

Abby will also be sporting some sort of temporary tattoo, ink stamp or perhaps some stick on jewels.  So, if you see her with a diamond stud on her nose, or a big sunshine tattoo over her belly button, well one is secured by a magnet and the other will come off with rubbing alcohol.

I am going to come out with my own line of fake tattoos for adults.  I love tattoos and would have one today if I could only decide exactly what to get.  Let’s face it, I can’t even settle on a hair style/color for very long, can you see me with a tattoo forever emblazoned on my bod?

I  have decided with my current state of indecision, there must be many folks out there that feel the same way.  So, I will have “Temp Tatts” for the undecided of the world and open up shop next door to a real Tattoo place.  That way once you are really ready, and have given that tattoo a test run, you can then go next door for the real deal.  No buyers remorse there!  I’ll be sure and make an announcement when I open up shop.  Temp Tatts, coming to a location nearby soon…..

As it stands, I go through the day with whatever “tattoo” or hand stamp Abby has put on my hand or arm while I am driving down the road or when I’m totally distracted by the computer.  Sunday when I reached down to get something out of my purse I noticed a dolphin stamped on my hand.  I wonder if my fellow worshipers wondered what club I frequented the night before that stamped your hand with that as you entered……

Racetrac

2010
07.03

Abby, our 12 year old,  had very few requests for this summer; swim, get a FreeFill cup, swim.  That’s it.  Doesn’t sound like a whole lot until you are greeted every morning before you’ve had your coffee by a kid wearing a  swimsuit with a pair of goggles in hand wanting to know if there will be an opportunity to swim that day.  Abby loves the water and if she passes up an invitation to swim, she is nigh unto death.

Do any of you have the “FreeFill Cup” from Racetrac?  Well, times a wastin’, you better get a move on if you’re gonna take advantage of this great deal!

You make a small investment of $6.99 and you’ll get free refills of fountain drinks, lemonade or Icee’s till Labor Day.  The ad says until August sometime, but the offer has been extended till Labor Day.  We each got one, so now no one looks for punch-buggies, we’re all scanning the horizon for a Racetrac.

Wednesday of this week she got her FreeFill cup, now I am greeted every morning by a kid, in a bathing suit with goggles in one hand and a FreeFill cup in the other wanting to know if we can get an Icee and go swimming…….

Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

2010
07.01

We have lived in our home for 20 years come the 31st of this month.  During this entire time we have had cable television in our home.  What am I saying, we have had cable TV the entire 25 years we have been married.

I personally  can take or leave the TV, give me a radio or cd player.  Ray, he LOVES the TV, from the time he wakes up till after he falls asleep the TV is on.  We have TVs everywhere except in the bathroom and the inside of the fridge.  If we could afford it I am sure one would be in at least one of those places too.

When I was growing up television offered very few viewing choices; channels 2,5,11, 36 and 46.  Those were the only channels available  on our TV and you turned a dial to change the channel.  It was a color television, but some of the shows like I love Lucy or The Three Stooges were still in black and white.

I remember a time when rabbit ears and tin foil was used to get better reception.  Vice grips were used as a quick fix when the dial broke and the first remote control in my parents home was any financially dependent child within hearing range.

In our home the remote control is a very important item.  Ray would rather walk a hundred miles looking for a lost remote than 3 feet to change the channel, from what I understand this is something other husbands do as well.  I don’t care if other husbands do it, that is crazy!

My parents did not get a VCR or cable television until after I got married and moved out of their house in 1985.  For many years I wondered what that was all about, I figure it had to be for one of two reasons; 1) They were finally able to afford it  because 2 of their three children were finally out of the house.  2)  They were trying to make us think that having our own place were we could have cable TV and stay out all night if we wanted was way better than living at home with the folks.  This was very wise on their part.

Things were different growing up at Ray’s house, they had cable TV there,  and he was used to a bunch of channels,  around 20 or so of them.  Remember the brown box with the black buttons that  you used to change the channel with?  That’s what they had.  He even had a TV in his bedroom!  I should have realized then what I was up against.

This past week Comcast finished “going digital” in our area so now the “Basic Cable” we had subscribed to all these years was no longer gonna cut it as this digital change cut Ray’s channels back from around 50 or so to 35.  Yes friends, the world as we know it had come to an end.

The funny thing is I noticed it before the rest of them because I get up the earliest.   I just kept the grim news to myself, I wanted to see their reaction and hated to spoil the surprise.  I ended up leaving the house pretty early so I missed out on their initial response, but my phone started ringing off the hook when they all woke up (Mom is indispensable in our home.  They never confer with one another, they just call me.  I believe that is their way of cutting out the middle man),  you would have thought I forgot to pay the electric bill and they were in the dark.

As of today, Ray has obtained and installed all the proper equipment and all is right with the world once again.  In fact, things are even better, we have “around 300 channels”!!!!  Whoopee……I have said it before and I will say it again, you can only watch one at the time.

The channel that has captured their attention?  Boomerang.  Ray and Abby have spent the afternoon watching reruns of Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear and the Jetsons and they were thrilled when they realized they would be able to see Two Stupid Dogs.   I expect Nielsen Media Research will be in touch with us any minute now……

Down Five

2010
06.29

A week ago Sunday,  we got in from evening church services late,  around 9 pm,  and  I noticed my pond needed to be topped off.  I go and put the hose into the stream bed and turn the water on.  While walking away,  I make a mental note to be sure an turn the water off in about 10 minutes.  In the past we used to lose a lot of water on a daily basis because there was a tremendous amount that splashed off the rocks at the top of the waterfall, thankfully that is corrected now.

I love that pond, I have blogged about it before and even published pictures of it recently when I told the story about CC eating the little fishy that I was trying to save from being bullied by the bigger fish.  Yep, I really enjoy the pond.

Around 2 am I woke up to use the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet, half asleep, I realize the annoying sound I was hearing was actually the sound of running water.  I cock my head to the side trying to determine if it’s the cheap flapper in the tank of the toilet I am actually sitting on that’s leaking water and needs replacing, or if it’s the toilet in the other bathroom.

That is when it hits me like a ton of bricks, that’s the water hose I hear! Ahhhhhhggggghhhhh!!!!!!!  I practically trip over my own drawers in my haste to get outside as fast as I can to get the hose turned off.  Many thoughts race through my mind while I’m frantically punching the disarm code into the alarm; number one being that I was thankful that at least my memory didn’t fail me right then, and I remembered to disarm the alarm.

The last thing I needed was for law enforcement to be dispatched because I had tripped the alarm and there was not a handset to be found  to let them know it was operator error and not an intruder.  We have teenagers in the house and they find it necessary to remove all phones from their charging stations never to be returned.  I don’t even know why we have a house phone, we never have enough juice in the handsets for them to do much more than ring annoyingly.  You can’t answer them, they go dead the minute you answer them.

I realize that it is highly possible that I had washed my fish completely out of the pond in the overflow of water pouring over the edge, and into the yard.  I was probably gonna step on one in my mad dash to the spigot and end up sliding on it like a banana peel down to the bottom of the yard, break a hip, and lay there till morning because no one can hear me yelling for help.  Maybe I should have tripped the alarm, at least the cops would find me.

Thankfully, I am able to make my way through the yard without incident and get the hose turned off.  I decide that whatever fate has befallen the fish can wait until daylight for me to witness and I trudge back through the yard and go back to bed.  After resetting the security system and sliding back between the sheets Ray turns over and says; “You leave the hose on?”  I grunt in affirmative, and go back to sleep.

When morning came, all four of my remaining fish were belly up in the pond.  Ray comes out onto the porch with his coffee and looks down at me while I’m fishing them out and placing them into a plastic bag and mentions his surprise at they’re being dead.  I mumble that I’m pretty sure I drowned them.

I know, how do you drown a fish?  Well, in my pea brain, I felt like the continuous rush of water spilling down on them might have been too much for their poor little gills to handle and they might have been oxygen deprived, and therefore drowned.

Ronnie, a friend of ours, chose at that moment to call on Ray’s cell and Ray told him my theory, a little sarcastically I might add.   Ronnie said it was more likely that they were poisoned with the large amount of chlorine going into the pond.  He’s probably right, but I still like the look on peoples faces when  I say I drowned my fish.

It was a Monday when I scooped their lifeless bodies out of the pond, and since the garbage man doesn’t come until Thursday, I decided to put them in the freezer until the night before, so they wouldn’t be stinking up the can outside before trash day.  Well, once again I forgot.

When Abby went into the freezer today to scrounge something up for breakfast, she found my fish instead of Eggo’s.  Sigh…..I wonder if I am suffering from dementia?  People will think so if they come to my house and find dead Koi in the freezer!

It may not sound like it, but I AM sad that I killed my fish.  I’m just busy trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Josi has been on a mission to hatch a chick or eleven and the floor of the cage is littered with eggs, eight of which she is currently sitting on.  We have a dog that acts like a porcupine and all you have to do is look at her hard and hair shoots out of her body at an alarming rate.  I still can’t figure out why she isn’t completely bald at this point.  We have a sugar glider that is really cute, but I am constantly fretting over whether or not she is getting enough calcium.  How did I end up with all these critters?

Abby, forever on the lookout for an opportunity to add to the menagerie was thrilled when Trina called the house yesterday to tell us that she only had two kittens left and we had “better act now” if we didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to have one for our very own.  I told her if a kitten showed up over here I was pretty sure I was gonna end up in divorce court.

Abby was in total disagreement when I told her that the last thing we needed around here was one more animal.  She said; “We are down five since you killed the fish so we got plenty of room.”  Lawd, “Down Five”!  I can’t wait till she has kids of her own, I’m gonna take them to the pound to adopt a pet every year for their birthday…..

Touching Bottom

2010
06.28

Although there’s no fear as I’m floating around, I admit I feel best with two feet on the ground.

The water is slapping the side of my float, I doze and pretend it is really a boat.

Fingertips wet from the dip in the swell,  doing best to ignore what creatures underneath dwell.

The sun, it is blazing, the top of me’s hot.  My bottom snuggled into the water is not.

My eyes crack open the tiniest bit.  Can I still see the land, am I castaway yet?

I shift myself forward, to dip my big toe.   Is that the bottom?  Crap!  Where did it go?

The shifting sand bottom, it matters not.  Whatever touched my foot, well, that matters a lot!

Me thinks I shall paddle a bit closer to shore, where my feet touch the bottom and there’s people galore.

Safe S-E-X

2010
06.25

Today I read an article about a school committee in Provincetown  Massachusetts, that unanimously adopted a condom distribution policy for the elementary school and high school.   It is part of their “safe sex education.”

OK, where to begin……First, I would like to point out the folks in Massachusetts must not have middle school because they left that group completely out of their policy.  I’m guessing they are part of the high school.  Either way, in my opinion sex education begins at home and  starts a whole lot sooner than most folks think it does.  Having to actually teach them safety in regards to sex makes me sad, but it is what it is.

I will never forget the time when Alex was somewhere between two and three, we had apparently forgotten to lock our bedroom door and in the midst of the throes of passion I feel two eyes upon me, and it was not the cat.

I look over to my left and find myself staring straight at  Alex, chin propped up in the palms of her hands watching us with wide eyed interest.  She says in a  sweet, little voice; “Hi mommy, what you doing?”  I look up at Ray, who at this point is looming over me with a look on his face akin to a deer caught in the headlights, and say “I don’t know, what we doing Ray?”

I believe this is where the “Ask your momma.  Ask your daddy” scenario originates in every household, your kid walks in on you while your having sex.  Now, we don’t tell our children that’s what we’re doing, nooooo God forbid they should find that out!  Eventually, they do put two and two together though.

Kids for the first six or seven years of their lives are typically given the run around whenever they walk in on their parents “napping” in the middle of the day or “showering” together.  Once, one of the kids in children’s church informed the entire class, when asked what their plans were for after church; “We always go home to eat lunch and then my mom and dad take off their shirts and wrestle while we are supposed to take a nap.”

We as parents tend to steer our kids line of vision away from dogs going at it in the yard, and we hope they don’t ask how fluffy got all those cute kittens in her tummy.  My kids have seen the frogs outside fill the kiddie pool to the brim with eggs and witnessed the resulting plague of frogs.  They have seen “Nacho riding Josie like a dirt bike” as Ray so eloquently puts it, but to this day,  neither of them has ever asked either of us those words dreaded by parents the world over; ” Where do babies come from?”

Ray say’s it’s because I have told them so many whoppers over the years they wouldn’t believe me anyway.  I always thought I would be well prepared because the truth is so fantastic, what better tale to tell!   I have been robbed!  Let’s face it, they know where they come from, from the mommy’s tummy, duh!  Isn’t it lucky that I got to tell them how they got in there?  The question is,  do they know it can kill them?

When I was coming up, one of the worst things that could happen to a girl in school was to get pregnant out of “wedlock”.  (Wedlock? That never sounded appealing, who thought that term up?)  These days kids go to school and exchange sexual favors like silly bands and label it “friends with benefits”.

We have television shows that in my opinion remove the stigma from promiscuity or teenage pregnancy.  What do I mean?  How many of you were shocked and speechless the first time you saw that first plane fly into the twin towers on 9/11?  Ok, how many of you were still speechless three days later after you had seen it countless times?  You became numb to it all didn’t you.

Shows on TV like The Girls Next Door, 16 and Pregnant or A Baby Story de-sensetise us  from the fact that sex  has come out from behind closed doors and is no longer something shared by a man and a woman joined in holy matrimony.  I want my girls to know that sex is not a game to be played with multiple partners, having a baby when your a teen is a big freaking deal and will make your dreams in life harder to achieve.  It’s good that they see that love between a man and a woman is a wonderful thing and is best shared when your in a committed relationship, and as a result of sex in the relationship children will be born.  But I think that with the showing of this on television day in and day out, it takes away from what a true miracle  the birth of a child really is.

All in all, don’t be afraid to talk to your kids.  Give em the facts jack, don’t be afraid of filling their heads with ideas, they have plenty of  friends that will do that for you.  Truth is power, and this kind of truth can save their lives, so bite the bullet and have a talk with them. Don’t assume they already know.

My youngest, Abby, is going to be 12 in seven days.  She is already getting boobs, knows all about “periods” and I’m pretty sure if there are any questions regarding sex she will be glad to answer them for me.  I’m kidding, she and I have had “the talk”.  If  I ever bring the subject up, she turns red and gets all embarrassed.  I’m glad! I prefer her just the way she is, sweet and goofy, with a bottomless pit for a stomach that has currently discovered the delicacy of bacon covered with Redi Whip.  I hope she stays that way a little while longer.

Government Gimme’s

2010
06.24

In my never ending search for the leg up in life I have been led down many a path.  Today, I decided to investigate the website:  www.govbenefits.gov

This site allows you to take a questionnaire that uses your responses to multiple choice questions to determine what government grants, benefits, or programs you may qualify for.   Around question number 50,  I began to wonder if there was some sort of hidden camera logging my reaction to what I was being asked.

At first the questions were what I would categorize as typical; birth date, marital status, number in household, highest grade achieved.  Then, they began to delve further into topics I hadn’t even realized there might be a grant or program for.  For example:  At one point I was asked if I was a victim of torture.  Well, I AM a parent of two girls, that does count, right?

Also, if I was suffering from any “military sexual trauma” there was some sort of program that I just might qualify for.  I have to admit that produced a kaleidoscope of images in my mind while trying to figure out just what MST was.

I happen to be someone that believes our military deserve every benefit, freebie, grant, handshake, hand pat, leg up, free ticket, or discount available out there in the USA.  I also do not understand why they, their spouses or minor children pay for anything. They have already committed their lives to their country, I believe that is payment enough for the rest of their lives.

Other questions wanted to know if I had fallen victim to any areas that had been declared a natural disaster or if I was the surviving spouse of anyone that had lost their lives in 9/11.    If I was a coal miner there was apparently a niche I fit into as well.  I’m guessing after this year, there will be questions regarding my falling victim to BP’s little disaster in the Gulf.

I answered all their questions with complete honestly and thirty minutes later was given a list of programs that I just might qualify for.  All I needed to do was go onto each of their websites and fill out yet another questionnaire or application to determine eligibility.  All in all, I got exactly what I expected, a habit trail of websites to venture out on.  These sites were actually local government programs such as TANF and are great programs for those in need.  I just think it was a whole lot like going out the front door to get to the barn.

Why did I waste my time?  Well, so that I could provide you all with my slightly askew opinion on one of the sights that many of those “free money” authors are giving you in exchange for the dollars you are earning  by the sweat of your brow…..or via unemployment if you are amongst the almost 12% in our area.   I think I will continue to check out these million sellers and report back to you on whether or not they are worth your gold or are instead,  fools gold.

Perhaps I can get enough folks to pay for  a subscription and I will develop a newsletter that will publish results of checking out all these places for you.  If you hear of something that sounds too good to be true, more than likely it is, but shoot it over to me, I will check it out for ya! (cheeseinmyhair@bellsouth.net)

In the meanwhile, I think I’m  gonna go back and answer those questions again and choose some of the more obscure answers and see just what else the government might have available to me.   Mmmmm,  I probably should be  determining exactly what color my parachute is…..honestly, I am more concerned with the functionality of my parachute over the color, currently, it seems to be dragging behind me, whilst the suspension lines are getting caught up in all manner of debris.


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